As I sat on my big beautiful horse Dior, which I lease, I kept having this nagging feeling deep inside that there had to be a better way to allow me to be a more effective rider, but with lightness. I love what I have done over the last five years: competing all over the world. I've ridden many different types of horses and learned a new equestrian discipline – dressage - since I was unable to continue to jump horses due to an accident in 2000. While training to work with horses in the movies, a 100-pound bale of hay fell ten feet, hitting me on the back, leaving me paralyzed from the hips down.
I had the answer inside me because I had experienced Pat Parelli's Natural Horsemanship seven years earlier. I had not abandoned natural horsemanship, but since I had so much to relearn about myself, the "natural” way was put in the storage closet. It was never far away because I had started my Hungarian mare with this technique and she was one of the few horse I could handle on the ground without any assistance. Our bond was one that many envied. Through the help of local friends, I was introduced to Linda and Pat Parelli in May at the Vernon “Love, Language and Leadership” tour. Little did I know that that meeting would alter everything. I shared with Pat about my dreams and goals to be the first paralyzed rider to ride Grand Prix and to compete in Beijing at the 2008 summer Paralympics. I knew deep down inside that my dream was accomplishable, but not in the traditional methods of riding. Wanting to seek an answer to how I would progress effectively, I found myself very excited after speaking with Pat and Linda.
The weekend turned out to be very overwhelming. With the organization of Leslie Stewart of PNH Canada, and Pat’s enthusiasm for helping others, the audience made donations for the Okanogan Therapeutic riding and me. They managed to raise $10,000. I must say I was shocked; it had taken me months of planning an event to raise half of what was done in one hour by Pat. Next to come is what changed my summer. Pat invited me to work with him in Colorado for two weeks so that he could determine if he could help me. My job was to refresh my Level One and start working on Levels Two and Three. It was like a fire was lit under my butt; learning and playing with my mare was the highlight of my day. Jonathon Field, a local Parelli instructor, came to my barn and helped me so that I would be ready to work with Pat. There was no way I was going to let this opportunity slip through my hands. By August 27th, my good friend Shannon and I were on a plane headed to Colorado.
FREEDOM (Liberty)
The first horse Pat let me ride was Liberty and his name for me truly stands for freedom. The first evening I sat on him (I admit I was very nervous because I had never ridden in front of Pat). I think I was actually unable to use my own brain in fear of doing something wrong. Within the first night, somehow, I was doing a flying lead change and to me what I thought was a spin, (now that I see the video, it was not as spectacular as it had felt). I must say, eleven days of practice helped a lot.
The next day after doing liberty with Liberty in the round pen, Pat told me I was going to help him move the cows. My voice was silent but inside all my emotions were alive. My screams of fear, excitement and thrill were well heard by my brain. I remember thinking "but I have never moved cows before" and "I haven't ridden outside of an arena since I broke my back" and "Out there?! In the mountains?” My wild spirit and my brain battled, "Are you sure you can do this?" As I took a deep breath and tried to hide my over-whelming feelings, I reassured myself that Pat wouldn't ask me to do something that I was incapable of doing. I breathed in the fresh air, felt the sun on my face and couldn't help but smile.
As I silently fretted about not making a total mess of things, Pat reassured me that his cows were smart, and indeed they were, and thank goodness. As I rode down and through the bunch of them, I remember telling Liberty that I had no idea what I was doing so I needed him to help out; actually I wouldn't be offended at all if he would just take the lead and I would gladly be a wonderfully grateful passenger. Two hours later, I had just moved cows and then ridden through the mountains with Pat and his son, Caton. How I wanted to scream out. I wanted to scream out, “Thank you!” I wanted to try and explain what I was feeling, but words escaped me for the whole journey. Up and down steep hills, through trails, and when asked by Pat, “Are you okay?” all I could bring to my lips was "This is awesome." Awesome!!! This was beyond awesome; this was true freedom.
Frankly, I was afraid of it and at the same time I wanted more. You see when you have finally come to terms with the loss of something very important to you, it is hard to imagine and try to dream of anything else. During my twenty-two years of walking, my legs were well used and appreciated. As hard as it was, I believe I graciously came to terms with the loss of everything that was dear to me: cross county running, jumping horses, diving, mountain biking, and being free with my horse as I galloped across country though mountains, water and spectacular trails of pure nature. I remember well, with a tear in my eye, saying good-bye to the life I had known and hello to a life I would not have chosen for anyone, not even my worst enemy. I halfheartedly smiled at my new life with a timid eagerness to overcome the challenges ahead, not ever wanting to look back as it would be too painful. With a flight to Colorado, I was now faced fully with one of the true passions of my past. How I kept my composure, I am not sure, but I will admit that after my shower that night I was not red-faced from the hot water, more likely from the release of tears of pain, anger, frustration, and mostly the passion I felt for what the future now held for me. Do I dare dream??
Black Magic
Another gift of great freedom - was it magic? For someone in my circumstances, this must be a question asked. How is it that within a one-week period, I was able to do multiple flying changes down a straight line on a horse without the use of my legs, then Piaffe on the spot and spin in circles rapidly – and, yes, all without falling off. Was it magic? No – it was an effective way of riding and working with a horse!!! This was a gift beyond rationalization. When I think of Magic, tears come to my eyes. As I have spent the last five years riding many different horses, I must say Magic put her heart and soul in my hands, giving me not two legs but four. It takes a very special horse to have trust in me. Normally when I ride a horse for the first time, it is about adapting to it and surviving so that I can try and accomplish anything close to my goal in a very short time. While playing with Magic from my scooter, I knew that there was something special about her. Her interest in me was beyond fear of something different. She confirmed this when my wheelchair broke and I had to fix my wheels. Normally two different things would happen while I flipped my chair over and trie to fix a wheel with a wrench, hammer, screwdriver and spray bottle while holding on to my horse: they would snort and run away, or completely ignore me. Then there was Magic, taking complete interest in what I was doing and getting right in there helping with her muzzle. The only other horse that would do this is my Peanut at home, with whom I have a very special bond. It was as if Magic was trying to understand what I was doing and why.
I learned a lot about my riding, but I admit that it was very difficult at times to focus on instruction because I was just too filled with emotion and anticipation for what was to come. Actually, I felt like a sponge full of water that would release tears of happiness every time I was touched in the slightest.
When it came to riding at the Savvy Conference I was very worried. I didn't feel worthy of riding in the conference. Who was I to be given the right to ride for two thousand people who have traveled from afar to see Pat and Linda? In my mind I had nothing to teach these people and I was going to be riding Magic, a very popular horse among the Parelli Natural Horsemanship followers. When I saw Pat ending his demo, I looked at the clock and my heart rushed fast; all I could hear was the pounding in my ears, my whole body again was wondering if it was capable of this. I admit now that if I had an abort mission button, it would have been pushed ten times over. But it was too late; next thing I knew I was being pushed into the arena. There was no turning back now. As I started to play with Magic, I knew I was nervous. This leads back to being afraid of doing something wrong in front of people. When it was time to bridle Magic, I looked into her eyes and felt her soft hair against my skin, her breathing against my chest, and she put her head in my lap. I knew then everything would turn out great. Through trust and opportunity, these animals have an amazing ability to read your thoughts and feelings. When this happens, it does feel like magic. Sure enough, the ride was smooth and at the end I felt exhilarated. The tough part was now to come; I was going to speak to these people. As I started to tell my story, I was surprised at how easy it was. It was easy because I was passionate about what I had to say. During the break, I learned from the people’s response why I was riding for these people. It was not techniques or how to ride that I was teaching them; it was that I was riding; it was what someone is capable of doing with so little that taught these people about themselves. I often forget this because when I ride, I fail to remember what I shouldn't be able to do and only think about what I want to do and what I am going to work towards doing. I think the best comment I ever got was "I have been married to my red-necked husband for ten years and never seen him cry, Thank You!!!" I realized after talking to many people that my journey had just begun and if I can help someone to overcome what adverse adventures life brings them, then I know I have done the best that I can.
Pat and his horse have helped me to discover what I am capable of and with their continued help, I know I will achieve greatness.
Texas
As my summer ended, I was invited to join Pat and Linda in a dressage clinic with Walter Zettl in Texas. With the continued support of PNH Canada, my flight was sponsored. Pat wanted to introduce me to his friends, Bill and Susan Casner, as well as Michael Richardson. Michael is an amazing rider and also paralyzed from the hips down. I was also going to be given the opportunity to do a demo ride on Magic. Again, I was thrilled with the opportunity to travel and work with Pat, as well as benefit from what else the trip might bring. The interesting thing about the clinic was that it was the bringing together of different disciplines to work as one. It was fascinating because it is true that each riding discipline has a lot to offer and is similar in many ways. Pat and Linda's horses both wowed the crowd and were a favorite to watch. My demo ride went very well and I even did some of the movement that people were learning in the clinic. Magic was spectacular and I was very happy with our performance.
The Casner's hospitality towards someone they had never met made the journey very comfortable. They have built an amazing house and barn on a beautiful property. The room I stayed in made me feel like a Princess. I admit, I had a hard time getting on the bed as it was huge and high, but I wasn't going to decline this chance of living in luxury for three days and nights. However, I did get lots of experience getting on and off the bed as my Jacuzzi bathtub seemed possessed. I realize that sounds odd, but while I was having a bath I turned the jets on. After relaxing in hundreds of bubbles, I tried to turn the tub off. This was more challenging than you would think and after ten minutes, I decided I was going to have to get out of the tub with the jets still blasting. On the first attempt, I slipped back into the tub, completely submerging my head under the water. When I finally was able to sit up, I discovered the raging jets had completely given my waist-length hair a mangle up-do. Now looking like something out of a horror film, I managed to drag my half-limp body out of the tub. I played with all the buttons and the tub was finally silenced. Exhausted and in bed at last, I turned the lights off and shut my eyes only to be awakened by my bathtub turning itself on. So with me back in the bathroom, I again somehow got it to shut off, and climbed Mt. Baker to get back into bed. Again the tub turns on - I was so tired and all I wanted to do was sleep. I repeated the above actions five more times with the tub turning on every 15 to 20 minutes, just giving me long enough to be warm in my bed and almost asleep. It was now 1:30 a.m. and the rest of the house was asleep. Not wanting to wake anyone, I decided to just fill the tub back up with water and let the spastic bathtub do whatever it wanted. As I was filling the tub, the jets turned on and the water was not quite over the air holes. Well, you can imagine what happened. The whole bathroom, including me, was soaked. At this point all I could do was smile and wait for the tub to fill up. I closed the bathroom door and went to bed, being serenaded by a Jacuzzi tub till 5:15 in the morning.
What made the journey extraordinary was that after staying with Bill and Susan, they agreed to a monthly sponsorship for three years to help me get to Beijing. Once again I was speechless. I, who am still trying to learn to accept the simple help from people on a day-to-day basis so that I can try to live a normal life, find the generosity from people across the country offering to help me with no monetary value attached difficult to understand. Nevertheless, as hard as it is, I am learning to be able to accept the help of others and I only hope I am able to continue sharing my experiences and help many along the way.
